President Janeway

Captain Kathryn Janeway is sworn in as the new President of Earth. Some of her critics have pointed out that Janeway was a staunch supporter of Earth remaining in the United Federation of Planets, and they fear that she might ignore the referendum result. In response, Janeway has stated that “out means out” alas, and sorting “this mess” will be her top priority.

The New President

With Crusher out of the race, only Captain Janeway remains, which means she has won by default. It has now been confirmed that Kathryn Janeway will be installed as President of Earth later this week. In a statement to the press, she was reported as saying, “There are three ways of doing things; the right way; the wrong way; or the Janeway.”

Finalist Stands Down

Breaking news! Doctor Crusher has just announced that she is pulling out of the leadership race and will no longer be standing for the position of Earth President. In a statement to the Federation News Service this morning, Crusher stated that at this time of such planet-wide crises, the Earth needs a commander with tried and tested experience. She pointed out that she believes Captain Janeway is the right woman for the job, and has offered her her full support.

Though this new turn of events may seem magnanimous, unofficial sources say that the timing of the announcement has prevented publication of an expose claiming that Crusher has been in an elicit relationship with her Commanding Officer, Captain Picard. Such a story would have destroyed her reputation and her chances of winning. Withdrawing from the race is seen as a tactical move to save face. One critic of Crusher’s has said that her leadership campaign has been “hoisted by her own Picard.”

A Taxing Situation

Despite making it to the final two candidates, Doctor Crusher has still not released her tax returns, despite assurances that she would do so immediately. We have spoken to her accountant on Deep Space 9 who has assured us they will be published shortly, once he has finished tweaking them.

A Mother to her Crew

Captain Janeway has yet to respond to Crusher's remarks, but a source close to her said that as captain of a starship, Janeway is a mother to all of her crew.

Mother Knows Best

Doctor Crusher has caused some controversy by claiming that she would make a better President of Earth than Captain Janeway, because she has a son, whilst Janeway is childless. She said that having children gives one a stake in the future of the planet. In an official statement, Crusher said, "Only a mother can know how uncooperative teenagers can be. A mother must exert her authority by taking away things your children like, such as membership of the United Federation of Planets."

 

Endorsements

Interestingly, the first person to congratulate Doctor Crusher on getting through to the final round was Gul Dukat, leader of the fascist government of Cardassia. This will only add fuel to the criticism of Crusher that she has a penchant for leaning to the far right politically.